Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
