So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
