Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
