Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
