Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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