This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
