last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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