Me. At least after what I've been through.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I could make wine with my vomit
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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