I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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