Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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