I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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