If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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