your room smells of hookers.
And success
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
