They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
