is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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