My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
