Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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