There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
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I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
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If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Blame the bisexuality and move on?