Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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