my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.