Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?