one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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