I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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