I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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