Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
