He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My life is pants optional.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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