How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
