recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
