it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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