I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
