Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
