Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
