So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
