I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
