90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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