apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
