Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
