Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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