i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
