please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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