I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
