I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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