I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
