We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize