hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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