Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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