i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
