I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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