the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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