Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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