You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
