My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just invented taco cereal.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
