the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
