My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
