i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
