WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
