he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
