Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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