Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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