He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
