did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
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Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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