Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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